What do you think of my SHORT PIECE OF WRITING?

It is good but be careful not to be too descriptive. Descriptions really help the reader but if it goes on for a while than the reader will become bored and skip over it. I know that's what I do when I see too much description. Also I agree with the nini, all that mix of similes and metaphors are confusing. But other wise, good job! It makes me want to read more which is always a good thing when writing!